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THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY returned to the Guardian last week and, the very Friday, my inbox was flooded with an email. Additionally, I received as many as one phone call (from an old girlfriend, wanting to know if I was divorced again yet). And then my editors gave me the ‘welcome back' letters below. Apparently, people prefer to engage my superiors rather than me; like most of the women I've ever met. I can confirm they are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
Sirs
The Prime Minister -sorry, the Ex-Prime Minister - the Ex-Prime Minister is having difficulty adjusting to the Ex-Prime Minister's new status - the Ex-PM notes with disdain, ladies and gentlemen, the return of Beastly Pires. The Ex-Prime Minister would like to point out to the Beast that
he need not attack a particular church in the Heights of Guanapo, since everyone seems to be attacking it already; them carrying away scaffolding on their head like bachac.
Soon-to-be-Rev Patrick Manning
Ex-PM
Ex-Palace
Exit
Sirs
Bienvenido al Senor Bay Say Pires. Nos were mucho pleased-o that el support-o nosotros en la Copa Mundial pero nos have-o to remind him-o not to relax-o and assume-o victory-o. Es muy tough-o when tu get tu ass kicked in German.
Diego Maradona
Lord Put a Hand of God
Long Tears
Buenos Aires
Sirs
There is nothing, of course, wrong with the Prime Minister appointing the most popular elected candidate of all time, who is, of course, me, to, of course, act as PM, of course. After all, Winston has his hands, of course, full, trying to squeeze a few cents out of the empty Treasury, while I, of course, have had a lot of free time to perform national duties this last few weeks. You know how long a flight to South Africa is?
Jack Warner
PM, TT; VP, FIFA (Both Posts Acting)
Either en route To or Back from the World Cup
Air Miles Like Peas
Sirs
He away all this time and the People's Partnership win the election and he suddenly come back? It have more than the pestle in that mortar. Why the Integrity Commission not investigating that? Why? You think is by chance that one of them called, "B-C-P" and the next one is, "C-O-P"? You go beg?
Keith Rowley
Pleader of the Opposition
Got to Say Something
Conspiracy Theory # 99
Sirs
Is nice to be in Trinidad, yes, but all I will say is, BC, boy, eef you only hear it have a Canadian interested in your position, mash it fast before Anand mash your corns same speed.
James Philbert
Retired & Just Tired Acting as Police Commissioner
Looking for Building Materials in Guanapo
Dodging Anand-See Story
Sirs
The former Prime Minister has found a better way of referring to the former Prime Minister than, "the Ex-Prime Minister". Former' has much more class than "ex-", don't you think, ladies and gentlemen?
Form of Patrick Manning
Former PM
Form an Orderly Line to Tap Him Up in
Balisier House
Sirs
We welcome BC back to the Guardian. In this spirit of return, we're wondering if the AG might see fit to let us return, too, to where we naturally belong. They don't have no VVIP section in this place.
Ish Galbaransingh & Steve Ferguson
Golden Grove Prison Infirmary
Faking Sick Strong
And Still Hoping for the Boardroom
Sirs
You see, what they did was, they put two boxes in a tank, one marked, "Express" and one marked, "Guardian", and then they showed me a picture of BC Pires and put me in the tank and tell me to swim to one of the boxes.
Paul the Psychic Octopus
Prediciting Every Firetrucking Thing Now,
Not Just the World Cup
Seer Life Oberhausen
Sirs
First I was working on something from "The Bees Melody", calling it "The BC Melody" but then I get an inspiration so this is just a little kaiso I'm working on, up here in Heaven, using the tune from my old song, "Jericho": "They looking for Juliana/ Juliana ain't dey/ They looking for Juliana/ Peña gone away/ Booo!/ Boooo!/ Everybody looking for this Juliana from Guanapa". I'm having a little trouble with the last rhyme but how it sounding so far? Also, please tell all them suicide bombers they have plenty virgins up here but man still catching Hell to find somebody to scratch his head with a small comb.
Not Lord but Angel Kitchener
Supposedly Paradise
But Without a Bottle-and-Spoon
Sirs
Welcome back to BC. I am following his example and adding a second name, "Ganesh", and then I will start going by my initials. That way, when Trinidad & Tobago wise up and pelt the People's Partnership out the way they pelt out Bas and Patos, I will still retain my title.
Anand Ganesh "AG" Ramlogan.
Making All Kind of New Style
In Ramesh' Old Chambers
Sirs
I think it's simply wonderful that someone who should have occupied a certain position previously should be given another chance to prove his worth. That's all I'm saying. Especially if that person is the best performer you ever had in your whole history. So you have yourself to blame if the dollar is devalued and crime gets even worse and the whole damned neemakaram country sinks! It good for all you! I hope the same Jack hang all of all-you. Where that firetrucking Johnny Blue bottle?
Basdeo Panday
Irrelevance Gardens
Hubris
Sirs
What I do is, I tell him, "Don't touch that church! That too sensitive!" And then, when he didn't touch the church in truth, even after all the looting boldface-boldface, I call press conference and say he's a clown and throw him to the lions. I tell the media I am disappointed, devastated, disgusted and destroyed and I will vilify and vituperate the villain. They lick it up and they lick him up! The whole country is a circus but he deserve what he get for listening to the ringmaster.
"AG" Ramlogan
Hyperbole
Alliteration
Thesaurus
Sirs
Please ask BC Pires if he wants a house to rent in Cascade. Gate slightly damaged.
Calder Hart
In Top Shape on the Top Floor
Top Dollar
Fla
Sirs
Damn!
Omatie Lyder
Brightest of the Bright Sparks
Trinidad Express
BC Pires is a man of letters
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FROM THE REST WHO CHOOSE NOT TO JOIN THE BLIND HERD, A HEARTY WELCOME BACK.